A circle or two

I was at the hairdresser earlier today, a funky little shop run by a crazy ex-Californian mother (think spiky bleached blond hair, marijuana-challenged, former Hollywood hipster) and daughter duo, and my hairdresser said to me: "Oh, I think you will be back in Portland one day. Everything goes in circles." This got me to thinking about all the places that I've lived in over the years: Berwyn, Sophia Antipolis, Accra, St. Paul, Tucson, Boston, Atlanta, Mapoteng, Washington DC, and Portland. The list is long but I don't call any of these places "home" and I sure as hell don't want to circle back to them (ok, Atlanta is the exception). I envy people who have a sense of rooted-ness, a strong community of local friends, and a pub that they call their own. I don't know what drives me to seek the next horizon: new experiences, restlessness, no one worth sticking around for or perhaps a fear of containment and mind numbing/soul deadening routine (Monday is when the trash goes out, Wednesday is pedicure time, Thursday is tennis, and Friday is date/sex night).

Whatever the reason(s) for my nomadic nature, I have finally come to accept that I'm not the normal "run-of-the-mill" gal. I'm a strange mix of uber liberalness and personal modesty. I defend freedom of choice and expression of individuality; I can talk about anything and everything under the sun with a sense of curiosity and no embarrassment; and I'm a sensualist at heart, but, oddly, I'm rather conservative about my personal life. It's as if the modest, insecure 11-year old Catholic girl is trapped in the bold, secure, and curious 34-year old atheist. It makes for strange bedmates. I have a strong moral compass which makes me want to give back something to this world but which has also made me a sucker for people who emotionally, physically, and financially drain me. I can tell people to "Go to hell!" and yet fall apart when it comes to confrontations with loved ones. I run from personal problems yet charge into battle when it comes to defending family or friends. I love to travel and seek out new experiences yet fantasize about a small house next to the ocean with a big library, a fireplace, a cozy leather chair to curl up on with a good book, a sexy man to fetch me a glass of wine, and a big dog to lie at my feet. Ying and yang or maybe, as my hairdresser implied, it's all one big circle and I'm simply at the center of it with no real destination in mind.